Battlefield Earth (2000)

starring John Travolta

misdirected by Roger Christian 

This movie is from the L. Ron Hubbard (Scientology guru/sci-fi author/psychobabbler)  book of the same name except that its original title is, “Battlefield Earth: a Saga of the Year 3000.”  This movie, however, has nothing to do with Scientology, or science for that matter. In reading about this movie, I found out that Travolta produced this movie and had wanted to do so for over 15 years.  Maybe in another 15 years he’ll be able to forget about this movie.  You can’t really rate this movie on a scale of 1 to 4.  Movies like this operate on another scale: I call it the Highlander 2 (H2) Correlation:Analogy Scale.  This is where I make a correlation between H2 and another movie and then make an analogy.  Now, this is hardcore science people.  I use this equation: 

H2 and 2001: A Space Odyssey have a negative correlation, r = -1 meaning that 2001 is a good movie. A suitable analogy would be: 2001: A Space Odyssey is to good entertainment as H2 is to bathroom graffiti actually written with feces. H2 and Battlefield Earth have a positive correlation, r = +1.  A suitable analogy would be: Battlefield Earth is to rectal probing as H2 is to projectile vomiting, or Battlefield Earth is to wasting money and moviegoers time as H2 is to a complete sensory meltdown.  The facts speak for themselves: Science does not lie. 

The year is 3000: 1000 years have passed since Earth has been conquered by evil aliens who want to mine Earth for its gold.  Man is an endangered species because the evil aliens killed something like 90% of mankind in their initial invasion.  We find out in the course of the movie that the initial invasion lasted 9 minutes before humankind was defeated; I will talk about this later.  The evil race of aliens is named the Psychlos and John Travolta’s character is Terl, Chief of Psychlo Security.  Come on, Psychlos?  How bout the Dementiarestrials? or the Maniacons?  What a shit name.  Psychlos are taller and stronger than mere humans and are ‘maliciously delicious’, whatever that means.  Here’s what they really are: men on half-stilts, which are disguised as Ace Frehley Spaceman boots, who skulk around real slow and probably get lots of blisters and need lots of moleskin after a long day of shooting.  The mechanics of walking around on half-stilts is understandably difficult and doesn’t look natural.  This is explained away in the movie by telling us that Psychlos have to adjust to Earth’s gravity.  1000 years later and they’re still not there yet.  The effect of watching them skulk around angers me and makes me wanna kick the legs out from under them. They walk around like a bunch of Sleestaks who suffer from severe hemorrhoids (I call ‘em ‘psychloroids’).  Why didn’t they just get tall people?  All the Psychlos have dreadlocks which I think was a wet dream of Travolota’s:  “I’ve always wanted dreadlocks; I will look so cool, like an Alain Jourgensen/Vinnie Barbarino synthesis of divine scientologic evil”; “Up your nose with a rubber hose Earthlings.”  Travolta’s acting in this movie is atrocious.  He uses at least 4 different types of accents and rhetoric throughout the movie. Sometimes the Mr. Burns evil rasp, sometimes Sid Vicious from pro wrestling, sometimes a little smartass British accent, and sometimes a little Louis XIV/Voltaire flair.  The effect is as stated above repugnant to the nth degree. 

So these Psychlo guys all have dreadlocks and long, grimy fingernails with swollen and hairy hands, and the Ace Frehley boots.  They look like a bunch of retarded Klingons who got a free makeover at the Sid and Marty Krofft charity event sponsoring struggling actors with Kleinfelter’s Syndrome.  I was expecting a tall, dreadlocked H.R. Pufnstuf to come running out with Sigmund and the Seamonsters in tow talking about universal domination.  That’s just not scary is it?  Well, neither are the Psychlos. 

Then there’s Ker, played by Forest Whitaker, one of my favorite actors.  Let the first one without sin cast the first stone: I forgive ya Dawg.  Ker is Terl’s Assistant Security Chief and looks like something out of Teenwolf.  But not like Michael J. Fox’s werewolf, he looks like Michael J. Fox’s dad in the movie.  Remember when his dad turned into a werewolf at the end?  Remember that? That was coooool!  I always thought that movie should have been named, “Dorkwolf.”  But he’s all “mean” now.  Ker has been “trained” by Terl for the post, yet they don’t trust one another and there’s a constant power struggle throughout the movie between the two.   Apparently there’s a constant struggle between all Psychlos, yet as a society they are able to manufacture magnificent technology, conquer planets, and have the most advanced system of learning known in the universe.  But everything they do is like a pissing contest between guys at a sports bar who think it’s cool to put their own urine in their best friend’s drink and watch them drink it unawares.  Why do directors have obtuse characters like this?  Are they trying to appeal to this kind of audience? Great!

Throughout the movie we learn that Psychlos continually try to manipulate one another for either power or financial gains.  They are like a combination of Ferengis and Klingons, hungry for power and wealth. There’s no real government in the Psychlo world, its all incorporated.  I think this is where the story is supposed to show us how dangerous uncontrolled capitalism can be, but it comes off in comic book fashion: Diabolic Evil vs. Pure Goodness.  There are no less than 5 scenes in the movie where Psychlos catch one another on hidden cameras saying things which would get them in trouble with the “Home Office.”  The director, I guess, decided to punctuate these scenes by actually showing the cameras when they are activated.  One of the different Psychlos pushes a button under his desk, and the camera will come out of a wall, or ceiling somewhere telescoping a full 2-3 inches.  The Psychlos have mastered teleportation and have conquered the universe yet their camera technology is about as advanced as the Professor’s coconut phone on Gilligan’s Island.

Then there are the Humans, who are referred to as the “Man-animals” by the Psychlos and they’re real dumb, like real dumb and dumber still.  They got a maliciously delicious heaping helping of hardcore Dumb.  The main character here is Jonnie, played by Barry Pepper from “The Green Mile”, who tries real hard throughout the movie.  In fact, I started thinking after a while, “Man, this guy needs to chill out.”  His character is too busy; I wanted to pop him on top of the head like a Whack-A-Mole.  All humans have seemingly forgotten where they came from, like what a city is or were.  They have had no oral traditions apparently and have forgotten how to do the most basic things like cook food.  All in a time span of 1000 years. Does this mean we have become so dependent upon technology that if it’s taken away our brains and common sense would atrophy at an exponential rate?  Apparently the writers and director of this movie think so and maybe they’ve proven the point with this very movie: something involved with their higher centers of reasoning must have been in a state of atrophy during the making of this movie.  This is my deductive technique of critique: sometimes the simplest answer is the right answer. 

I don’t know who was responsible for the “Man-animals” costuming but I think they got the costumes off E-Bay at the Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman/Herculoids clothing bazaar at a 40% discount.  The Humans not only act dumb but they have been dressed dumb by dumb people, coached to be dumb by dumb people, and in reality I think the director looked for dumb actors, he himself being dumb.  The motives of the Humans are basically incomprehensible and inexplicable to me but I’ll do my best. 

Jonnie’s gone at the beginning but comes back with medicine for his sick father who just died of something.  Maybe radiation since it is reported that the Humans actually live in radiated areas instead of unradiated areas.  This causes him to have revulsions like Rocky (Adriaaaaaaaannnn!) and wanna run off and see what’s going on in the world.  Apparently, he is the only Human this has ever occurred to.  Humans have developed a weird animistic worldview that is mainly drawn upon from the ancient overgrown mini-golf facility, located about 200 yards from their encampment, which has huge golf balls and a large representation of Puff the Magic Dragon.  These things really scare them until Jonnie actually touches Puff and determines that it’s really not a demon after all, and laughs (1000 years of complete idiocy for nothing, gosh).  If that’s only like 200 yards away, where did Jonnie go for the medicine?  Then he meets Ogre from “Revenge of the Nerds” and they go into their semi-2001 ape-man vs. ape-man war dance, but then they back down, because they all speak perfect English.  But the other guy speaks with a Scottish or Irish accent.  Nobody makes better grimy, groveller types than Scottish or Irish people; this is a Hollywood tradition that is common in probably about 5000 movies: the ashen-faced, gnarly, nasty grovellers who speak with a UK accent.  How this happened I have no idea, maybe they have a union.  This Ogre guy has a fat dumbass cohort who actually grunts occasionally like Chaka the ape-boy from The Land of the Lost, yet when they get in trouble he says things like, “Get the hell out of here.”  This is just dumb, dumb, dumb. 

I will now summarize the rest of this movie in exactly 51 sentences with a very long paragraph.   These idiots get caught by the Psychlos and put in a slave camp with other prisoners.  The planet, which is a big business to the Psychlos, is not turning a profit, so Travolta wants to use Man-Animals to do the work in order to not have to pay other Psychlo miners to do the work, therefore reducing labor costs.  But, it turns out the governor of Earth, another Psychlo guy, is just lying and they really are turning a profit but he’s keeping it for himself.  Travolta figured this out from looking in a ledger book.  You see how this doesn’t really fit in a society that is so advanced and where Travolta’s character graduated “top in his class” which he so often loves to remind us of.  Instead of extorting the governor he decides to go along with his plan of using Humans instead and making money that way.  So he takes Jonnie, the most promising looking one and puts him on the “Learning Machine”, which is later referred to as the “Knowledge Machine”, which is later referred to as the “Education Machine”.  This makes Jonnie able to speak Psychlo, understand Euclidean geometry, which he writes with a stick in the dirt for no apparent reason, and makes him able to be smarter than Travolta.  Travolta sets ‘em off in the mining zone, kidnaps Jonnie’s girlfriend who appears absolutely out of nowhere, puts an explosive collar around her neck and threatens Jonnie that if he leaves he will kill her.  Next scene Jonnie takes off in a Psychlo jet, which he has just learned to fly from the “Learning Machine” and goes to Ft. Hood, Texas with a pack of idiots.  The electricity works, there are fighter jets there, unused ammo, and a blueprint about how to make a nuclear bomb is actually on top of a nearby desk. They take these things and then realize that Travolta will be mad that they haven’t mined any gold.  So, they go to Ft. Knox, which is completely in tact and undiscovered by the Psychlos and steal the gold bullion, and then they fly back.  Travolta has no idea they left and asks them why they smelted the gold.  Jonnie tells him it’s because he thought he would like it that way and Travolta accepts this and we move on.  Forest Whitaker is tired of playing second fiddle and strikes a deal with Jonnie to betray Travolta.  He lets the prisoners out of their cells.  Oh yeah, did I mention that suddenly we are transported away from the mining camp and are back at Psychlo headquarters: there is absolutely no rhyme or reason.  Everybody escapes and they start fighting the Psychlos who never run but are always one step behind, like Jason.  During the ensuing battle of laser fire and hand-to-hand combat, I actually saw a bicycle tire flung across the screen.  The Humans use the fighter jets to fight against the Psychlo jets and they defeat them in the sky.  I just started wondering.  Hey, if the Psychlos defeated Earth in 9 minutes back in the day, how come 10 guys in 1000 year old jets are able to defeat them now?  And how did the jets even start?  And why did these guys flying the human jets not get noticed when they transported the Humans from the mining camp back to headquarters.  Did they forget about them?  And then there’s the guy with the nuclear bomb which they’ve built in a matter of hours who actually takes it back to headquarters when they get transported and upon escape runs around with it.  Did they not notice he has a 4 foot by 3 foot nuclear bomb when they transported him?  Jesus Christ!  Jonnie learns how to use the teleportation device and transports the poor half-wit guy with the bomb and he goes to the Psychlo home world, detonates the bomb and then the dumbest thing of all happens: The entire planet of Psychlo explodes, not just the capital city, not just a few mile spread, but the entire freaking planet.  From a 4 foot by 3 foot bomb? I don’t think so.  Humans win, they imprison Travolta in Fort Knox surrounded by gold, Forest Whitaker becomes the head of the planet instead of Jonnie, and Jonnie’s girlfriend is never seen again.  I’ve heard talk of a sequel, please God no! 

Highlander 2 is the worst movie ever made and is much, much worse than this movie.  But this is the second worst movie ever made.  The special effects seem to have been done by the same guy who did “Plan 9 From Outer Space.” The sagaesque music is reminiscent of “How the West Was Won” and continually beats upon your ear with no musical timing effect at all.  There are so many continuity errors and plot contrivances that my own notes I was making during the movie started confusing me.  The only thing that could have made this movie worse is replacing Travolta’s character with Gabe Kaplan, Forest Whitaker’s with Michael Jackson, and the human characters with the original Sweathogs.